Travel Well Space Monkey....Travel Well

Having a little brother is great, having two little brothers is a lesson in teamwork.

Back Flips

For a reason I could never quite wrap my head around a cousin of ours gave us a video camera one summer. This lead to a lot of great moments from our Fight Club to the Discovering that 2 out 3 of us could do back flips.

One boring day inspired by having a video camera we decided to go outside to find out if we could do back flips. After a couple of not so successful tries by all three of us Ryan and I finally got the hang of it. This lead to the attempt of the running, step on somebody, back flip you always see ninjas do. This did not go so well I went up higher then usual but fell straight on my head. After seeing my attempt Ryan decided he was good with a Regular back flip.

This is when we decided it was do or die time for Cody. We gave Cody one final attempt at a back flip and told him he better do it. After running through a laundry list of swears, he eventually gave his final back flip attempt. He travelled Straight up, but being so top heavy he came down like a stone bird right on his giant squash.

While he was laying there Ryan and I said "Cody since you can't do a back flip, go jump off the roof"

After a quick "F off" from Cody, we fired back with "Do it or we will throw you off". Now where I am from the guy with the video camera makes the rules and that is exactly what happened. Cody marched upstairs climbed out his window walked to the edge, hung off the roof and let go.

Ryan and I, super disappointed, said "You didn't jump". Cody understanding the difference marched back inside swearing so much he sounded like Yosemite Sam. Ryan and I still heard the swears as Cody came flying out his bedroom window, running across the roof and jumping to the ground.

He landed on his feet so hard that his head came and slammed into his knees breaking his nose before springing his body into the side of the neighbors house.

Duck or Duct?

While there wasn't much tv or video games at my Pepere's there was a huge yard and basement so we were never bored. One day we found a brand new roll of my Pepere's duct tape, so we did what any brothers would do and we taped the youngest, Cody, up like he was in a cocoon. After we realized taping him up was some what anti-climatic we decided to make it more interesting so we carried him to my Pepere's truck and placed him on top. To give him some incentive to try to get up we placed some delicious Chip Ahoys on his chest and took the rest of the Chip Ahoys inside to watch his struggles.

From inside we watched Cody rock back wondering if he would land on the road side or grass side of my Pepere's truck while we enjoyed delicious Chip Ahoys. Cody finally built up enough momentum to roll off the truck, sure enough he landed roadside he then inch wormed over to the fallen Chip Ahoys and ate them. He then somehow managed to stand up, hop all the way to the porch and ring the doorbell with his head.

I told Ryan to get the door, not wanting to deal with Cody who I could hear laughing from inside. Ryan like any good lackey answered the door and looked at Cody who was triumphantly laughing and fully expecting to be victoriously released, Ryan did the smart thing he pushed Cody over backwards and shut the door on him again.

It isn't Gay..........Its Magic

All older brothers have a dream for their younger brothers and one day the dream came true for me and Ryan. As we sat in my room wondering what we would do with our day Cody came running upstairs. "GUYS, GUYS" he yelled running up the stairs. Out of breathe he mustered "I have been watching magicians all day" presenting a roll of tape and a handful of rope he proclaimed "tie me up, I bet can get out".

Mine and Ryan's eyes lit up like Christmas at an orphanage. We rushed to tie him up. We rushed but with special attention to make sure Cody would not easily get free.

When we finished hog tying Cody and wrapping him in tape we stood above our handy work. Like genius Siamese twins, we suddenly had the most brilliant idea at the exact same time. "Cody every good magic trick needs a time element" we said hoisting Cody up and placing him face down in the tub. "You need to escape before the water fills up and this trick will be AWESOME" I said placing the plug in the tub and starting the water. Cody mumbled something but I couldn't understand because we had duct taped his mouth shut.

Ryan and I knowing we had something great going decided we would play it safe, suspiciously save. We shut the bathroom door and my bedroom door, turning on the radio, not to loud as to draw suspicion. Unlucky for us my mom happened to be bringing clothes up stairs at just the right time. Using her powers of deduction she noticed all the doors were shut and the music was playing just loud enough to almost drown out the sound of running water.

"What are you doing?" he questioned. "Nothing just listening to music" we said never making eye contact. "Why is the water running?" she asked opening the door seeing Cody tied up nose barely above water. She stopped the water but didn't drain and just ran out swinging, per usual.

Once you learn how to ride a bike you never remember....

Like any little kids Ryan and I loved ripping around town on our sick mountain bikes, unfortunately for Ryan he wasn't very good.

Ryan had three very memorable accidents, I will go in order from least hilarious to most hilarious.

Must've been a ghost

Living right down the road from a cemetery naturally we would ride our bikes past it every day. You know those rod iron cemetery fences? Well so does Ryan.

We were riding our bikes past the fence when Ryan apparently nervous from thinking about crashing for no real reason took a face plant right into the rod iron fence.

Like the hands of god reached out and caught him

At my Pepere's there was this super sweet jump right in front of this tree but you had to hit the jump at the right angle or you would smoke the tree. Well after my cousin and I took the sweet jump over and over again Ryan finally got the courage. He took off pedalling his little heart out, giant head buried so he could put all of his concentration in getting his speed up. Unfortunately he hit the jump and flew directly into the tree, luckily for all of us it was a split tree

Like a prank planned by god himself Ryan got stuck in the tree, bike in the middle of the tree, Ryan hanging from the bike upside with no possible way to get out. After laughing at him for many many minutes we went inside and got my mom who also laughed at him for many many minutes.

The Slush Puppy incident

I really wish you could all listen to Ryan tell this story because no one tells it quite like him. So much like we had many times before we had just rode our bikes down to the IGA to make some delicious syrup filled, do it yourself, rainbow Slush Puppies. Now normal protocol was to ride down with our friend get some Slush Puppies and frosting then walk over to the laundry mat, get all loaded up on sugar and ride home empty handed.

For some reason on this particular day we were in a rush so Ryan and I just grabbed Slush Puppies and took off for home. According to Ryan he yelled to me to wait and I just looked back and rode away. Ryan, according to him was riding a bike slightly to big for him and having to awkwardly hold the Slush and ride was just not plausible for Ryan's skill level.

Keep in mind we do live right on an excessively busy road and we had to cross that rode to get from home to the IGA and back. As soon as I had the opportunity I made my way across Ryan tried to follow but under the pressure of being in the busy road he once again panicked and fell over. Bike falling on top of him and Slush Puppy spilling all over him. I did look back to see Ryan in the road bike on top of him struggling, traffic backing up but I figured he would get up and be right behind me.....Well he couldn't, the bike was to heavy for him, so as he laid there in the road 5 O'clock traffic piling up, horns honking, one person shouted "Get up Fag" I was already home enjoying my Slush Puppy. According to Ryan some kind hearted gentleman finally got up and helped him across the street.

Game Time

When you are three poor kids you invent a lot of totally awesome games. One of my all time favorites was called FaceBall. FaceBall was a simple game with simple rules, it takes at least 2 players. Player 1, aka the Baller, stands at the top of a stair case with a basketball or soccer ball, beginners may want to use a kick ball. Player 2, aka the Face, lays at the bottom of the stairs with his head towards the bottom step.

Now lets get started, the Baller throws the ball at the Face who is laying on the ground eyes shut with his hands behind his back. The Baller tries to hit the Face in the face, hence the name. The Baller gets 3 throws before he becomes the Face. The rules are only throw it as hard as you want it thrown at you and the Face cannot move, if the face moves that's 3 more throws. A pretty simple game but we loved it growing up.

The Hockey Checking Game

So this is a game we still play today and has had many variations but none as popular as the hockey checking game. Basically one dude has the puck and the other guys check him, a pin or a knock down means you now have the puck. This game resulted in a number of broken walls and conkies.

Cody probably got the worst of the conkies. Ryan low bridged him one day and Cody went over the top and landed straight on his head on the hardwood floor. Cody has a huge head so when my mom felt the house shake she ran to see what the problem was, she found Cody laying on the ground eyes rolled back in his head not breathing. In typical Mom fashion when she noticed Cody wasn't breathing she jumped up unleashing a volley of swears and punches that would have even the most hardened gangbanger crying for help. The beating did not stop until Cody woke up with a giant gasp for air. Cody slept in the living room for the next week and couldn't stand up without puking. At this time concussions were not taken too seriously so their was no medical help.

Ryan also got a pretty good conkie but in my defense it was mostly his fault. We used to play a lot in my bedroom. The walls in my room are made of the old horse hair plaster and are much harder to go through then the standard drywall we are all use to. Well, the fun thing to do when you had the puck was to go by the bed and jump just before you get checked so you can go flying across the bed. This led to many dents and chips in the wall from our heads but one time I hammered Ryan especially hard and he went head first into the wall leaving a pretty big hole. It was the kind of hit where you are just sure someone got hurt so Cody and I stopped playing immediately. Ryan stood up holding his head, he said he was fine and walked to go down stairs. The second he reached the doorway he collapsed, fearing the vicious punches from our mother and worried about the fact that Ryan might be dead Cody and I did the logical thing and dragged him back into the bedroom and shut the door. Ryan finally awoke and Cody and I convinced him not tell mom or we will all get in trouble. It took a couple of days but the parents finally saw the hole in the wall and we got another well deserved beating.

Two Crazies, One Peter Pan Outfit, and a Murder Suicide

Bicycle Barry
Bicycle Ted had a brother named Bicycle Barry. Barry did ride a bike but not nearly as flashy as Bicycle Ted's bike. Barry also did not ride his bike nearly as much, the bicycle part was really more of a surname. I don't really have a good story of Barry from when I was younger or any stories of how neighborhood kids would torment him or how he would torment them. Barry laid pretty low. One particullary hot summer day Ryan and I did find Barry wearing his starter jacket sleeping in the mini park. We saw him when we were running so we went over to check and see if he was dead. He was laying on the ground so we poked him with a stick and he rolled over and let out a grunt. We knew he wasn't dead so we walked over to our house and got him a glass of water. We brought the glass of water back to the mini park and poked Barry with the same stick. "Barry get up and drink this before you die" I said. "Probably take off your Charolette Hornets jacket, too" Ryan said. "Thanks" Barry said and as he rolled off and took the drink. After he crushed the water he went right back to sleep. Ryan and I figured he was probably drunk so we left him there to sleep it off, he woke before he died of heat exhaustion so everything was fine.

Boris Derry
Boris was far and away the scariest crazy person in Randolph. Even the local kids didn't mess with him, in fact most people would just turn and run in the other direction when they saw him. If there was one thing little kids in Randolph were warned of it was not to go near Boris, don't go near his house, just don't be anywhere around him.

I guess the best way to explain Boris would be to start with his appearance. Boris was a huge man, with dirty unkept greasy gray hair, he always had gray stubble, a face so greasy and dirty it look like he was always just working under a car in the middle of the summer, and dirty foggy glasses scratched so much you could barely he see his deranged eyes.

Boris drove a huge old Cadillac but instead of the typical hood ornament he had an old dolls head in its place. The dolls head was missing clumps of hair and one eye ball had been poked out. At one point 5 kids tried to steal the doll head off Boris' car while he was in the grocery store. Unfortunately for the would be theives Boris came out while they were jumping in their own car with his dolls head. Boris jumped in his Cadillac chasing the teenagers about half a mile down the road to the lights by the bridge. As the kids tried to run the light Boris slammed into their car spinning them out and disabling their car. 4 of the kids managed to jump out and run onto the neighbors lawn. Boris got over to the driver's side before the kid could escape his car. Boris dragged him out through the window and began to beat the piss out of him. My dad sat on our front lawn watching, the kids 4 friends stood on the neighbors front lawn and said "Please help him". My dad knowing how crazy Boris was and knowing the kids had provoked him said "You guys are on your own". A few minutes into the beating a police officer showed up. He stood next to my dad and while he put some gloves on, he asked my dad "How long has this been going on?". My dad replied with "Aren't you going to jump?", the cop said "Not until back up gets here". After a few more minutes 9 more cops arrived. Then the all of the cops went after Boris. Boris stopped beating the teenage thief and turned his attention to the cops. "I was waiting for you guys to come down here". Boris got the better of all 10 cops for a while but they finally managed to arrest him. As a matter of fact after they had finally worn out Boris and were beating him up on the ground, Boris looked at my dad and started to laugh. A few weeks after the arrest Boris stopped by house with some beer while my dad was working in the garage. Boris gave my dad some beer and my dad said "that was quite a fight", Boris laughed and said "yeah kinda of overpowered me".

Despite the way Boris looked and the creepy car he drove that was not the most unsettling aspect of Boris. Boris often walked around dressed like Peter Pan. A green cap, green tights, and elf shoes, the whole deal. As a matter of fact when Ryan and I were quite young we had once walked down to the store. As we were standing in the check out line Boris came up behind me, fully dressed like Peter Pan. At first I saw the pointy shoes behind me, I looked up to Boris standing there and smiling, he grabbed two candy bars from the rack and put them down by the register. I assumed they were for Ryan and I, knowing Boris' reputation I pushed Ryan to the door and we both took off running leaving whatever we were about to buy right on the counter. It is possible for some reason Boris was actually doint it to be nice to me and Ryan as Boris like most crazies in town really liked my dad. Boris used to stop whenever he saw my dad outside and give him beer, Ryan and I however were not about to take that chance.

One time during the vote for mayor of Randolph, someone thought it would be funny to write in Boris. Boris found out about this and thought it would be a great idea if he was mayor. Since Boris did not have the most votes he decided to take democracy into his own hands. Boris grabbed a stick of dynamite and dressed like Peter Pan sat on top of a giant propane take right in the middle of Randolph. Boris threatened to blow up Randolph if he was not made mayor. I don't know if they promised Boris that he would be mayor but somehow they talked him off the propane tank and threw him in jail. While in jail Boris managed to set his bed on fire.

I am sure Boris spent several nights in jail and in the courthouse. One time my dad actually saw Boris in court. I forget the specific reason my dad was at the court house but he heard "Hey Mr. Gerard." My dad turned around and it was Boris with a team of lawyers behind him. "Why are you here?" my dad said. "I don't know, why am I hear this time guys?" turning to his lawyers, "Murder?" Boris questioned. The lawyers looked at each other and said "No.....should you be?". Boris just laughed.

Boris used to have about 20 to 30 dogs at his house, which was another reason no kids went by his house. Along with the unsettling amount of dogs, it was rumored that Boris would hire teenage boys to work for him and then sexually molest them. There was also the rumor of the first murder Boris was involved in. Before we were even born Boris had a niece who was murdered. The police could not find enough evidence to hold the suspect so he was released. Boris found out who the police had suspected. After Boris found out who was suspected he called the town constable and said "you don't have to worry about him anymore, it has been taken care of". No one ever saw or heard from that guy again. It is rumored that Boris killed him and fed him to his dogs.

So finally we reach the murder suicide. The story goes that Bicycle Barry and Boris Derry were gay lovers and they had a giant fight and Barry was threatening to leave. I guess neighbors heard the fight and that was the last anyone ever saw of Barry. A few days later Boris called the police station and they actually played the recording on the news. Boris admitted he had killed Barry and told the police where they could find the body, he then requested he be buried with his 30 cats, (at some point the police had made Boris get rid of his dogs). Boris then shot himself in the stomach. Even for a kid from Randolph it was very creepy to hear Boris phone called played on the news. To this day Larry's body has not been found.

Welcome to Randolph Please leave your Jacket with the Very Long Arms under the bridge

If there was one natural resource Randolph had an abundance of it was crazy people. Even though there is a mental health institute just up the river I never saw the ferry bringing them down the river so I don't know how they all got here. Despite how they arrived they were the main source of entertainment for most Randolph children.

Irving
Irving was by far my favorite crazy person. You need to remember that most of my stories are taking place in the early 90's, MC Hammer was still too legit too quit, zip strips were the shit, people were happy, cars door had to be manually locked, and Irving was taking full advantage.

Irving was always going somewhere, did it matter where he was going...no, how was he getting there....your car. If you didn't come out of your house to find Irving sitting car asking you to take him over there (he was pointing). You could find him wandering around traffic checking for unlocked doors and asking "can I have a ride?" To see the faces on the unsuspecting victims as Irving climbed in their backseat and said "hey take me over there" was priceless. Luckily for me I lived right by the bridge so I could sit on the lawn and watch.

Often times we would come outside to play finding Irving sitting in our car. This is terrifying the first few times but after a while it became routine. Sometimes we were just going outside to play and Irving would be sitting in our car for hours, when we were done playing we would go inside and tell my mom that Irving was in the car. She would go out and ask Irving where he needed to go. He would say "Over there and point up the street". My mom would drive literally 100 yards away and Irving would get out and say thanks, only to jump into the next car and have that car drive him back towards my house. As I mentioned Randolph is only a couple of miles big but Irving would spend hours and hours riding in strangers cars but never leaving Randolph.

The best part about Irving was how completely harmless he was but how scary his actions were to the passerbyer.

Scary Terry
Terry was an old lady who liked one person and one person only.....my dad. For some reason Terry had the biggest crush on my dad. To imagine Terry picture the craziest old lady you know, now add a dog in a shopping cart, 100 pounds, and subtract a few teeth. Now have her middle finger constantly pointed at some little kids and you have Terry.

Terry was well known for a couple of things, yelling, swearing, and growling at cars. As I said I lived right by the bridge so my brothers and I had front row seats for most of the Shenanigans. The bridge is a fairly popular bridge, in the summertime traffic was often backed up for hours, which made for plenty of rides for Irving and plenty of cars for Terry to growl at.

As we sat on the front lawn waiting to watch Terry growl and swear at cars she would often call us "You stupid little fucking shitheads", we would laugh and then my dad would turn up the street and Terry would growl at his car. As my dad would get out of his car Terry would stop swearing at us, growling at cars, and seductively say "Heeyyyyy" to my dad batting her eyelashes and licking her lips. She would watch my dad walk inside and when he was out of site she would go right back to swearing.

Terry would often stand in the middle of the road shouting and hitting cars. Those native to Randolph would just yell out their windows "Get out of the road Terry" and drive around her. Those not from Randolph, well it was just fun to watch them panic.

Monkey
I don't know if Monkey was just another crazy person or if the story was actually true. The story was that Monkey was permanently on a bad acid trip.

Here is a picture of what Monkey looked like...only he looked way crazier and had longer hair.

The game Randolph kids played with Monkey dated back to when my mom was a kid. After you laced your sneakers up tight and when you thought you had enough of a head start you would yell "Hey Monkey". Monkey would then turn around and sprint at you as hard as he could, you better already be running and have a route planned because that guy never got winded. I don't think he ever caught any kids and I would hate to think what would happen if he did.

The only reason he was called Monkey was because his eyes bulged out.....apparently like a Monkey, I didn't start the game I just played it.

Box Lady
Box Lady didn't do to much but she was pretty noticeable. She was probably over 6 and a half feet tall and she used to walk around town with a giant wooden box over her head. Someone found out she wore the box on her head to keep the aliens out.....no one messed with her.


Moon Boots

Moon Boots was another old man who people did not really mess with you just knew who he was. Moon Boots used to walk everywhere, you would see him in places that it was hard to imagine walking there in one day. He always had these giant black boots on, even in the middle of the summer. Hence, Moon Boots.

Bicycle Ted
Bicycle Ted was a total dick and probably the most hated of all the crazies. He was called Bicycle Ted because he was always riding his bike. Ted was a really skinny guy and his bike was a little too flashy. He rode around on one of those old school red bikes with a huge windscreen. Imagine this bike with this front fairing but in all read with the radio blasting....







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We weren't always mean to Ted as my brothers and I were actually some of the better behaved kids in Randolph. It wasn't until we have a reason to hate to Ted that we actually encouraged some of the antics.


We were all in the van coming home from the grocery store and we were stopped at a stop sign. I was sitting in the front seat so I had a great view. We were stopped waiting and watching Ted driving his bike directly at us with his head turned the other way waving at someone. My mom yelled out the window "Pay attention Ted" and we all watched as he never turned around and drove straight into our van.


He left a huge dent in our van as he came rolling up the hood and smashed against our windshield. He laid on the ground and rolled around until the police got there. We had to pay for for his bike, hospital bills, and stupid fairing. We had to pay because he did not have insurance, we later found out that he does this quite often and we were not the first or the last.

Some of the neighborhood kids who already hated Ted would yell "Hey Ted!" as he rode by "Think fast" and humchuck footballs at him, if you could knock him off his bike everyone would high five you.


Another classic move was to steal his bike and ghost ride it into the main road. I never took part in these activities but I am not going to lie, I did enjoy watching them.

Three's Company Too

At about this time in our lives Ryan and I were lucky enough to have Cody born as our youngest brother. Cody would end up being probably the best crash test dummy two brothers could ever be given. Within the first couple of days of Cody being home he was sleeping in his crib while Ryan and I played pass with a baseball dangerously close to his crib. Now, I don't exactly recall whose idea it was or who actually threw the ball but I knew it was more than likely on purpose someone threw the ball into Cody's crib hitting him...He never woke up, that's when he found out Cody was exceptionally tough and slept like a tranqued bear during hibernation season in a Swedish made mattress store after three Big Macs.

I got punched in the Balls by a little brat named Cock Knocker
It did not take Cody long to figure out how to hurt people. Cody while still in his walker would go around the house sneaking up on me and Ryan (hard to imagine a kid with a giant plastic bumper car sneaking up on anyone but he did) and pull our hair screaming and refusing to let go. He also had the nasty habit of strolling up to people and punching them square in the balls. I think he just liked to watch people crumble, under his sadistic powers.

Once he got a little older he still continued with his ball punching ways. On one specific occasion my Uncle Reggie was trying to talk to my mom, Cody trying to get his attention by shouting "Uncle, Uncle. Uncle" finally gave up with yelling....he drilled my uncle square in the balls dropping the 6'2'' man to the floor.

In another feat of senseless ball violence Cody crawled under the dinning room table during dinner and gave my dad a Chuck Lidell type shot square to the flesh chandelier. While Ryan and I laughed as my dad crumbled Cody drilled each of us in the test sack, leaving only my mom laughing her brains out.

Boogie Boy
Cody also learned that he had a terrorist device lodged squarely in his nose. When we would have friends over Cody would often trap them in corners with a big green schnoz berry on his finger eerily chanting "Boogie, Boogie, Boogie"

The Head Notch
Ryan and I did however have an answer to Cody's terror tactics. It was what Ghandi would do if he had a pain in the ass little brother. As Cody would come after us with either his hand cocked for a vicious ball knocking or with a terror booger on his finger Ryan or I would grab him by the perfectly shaped notch on the back of his head and hold him face to the ground. Cody still blames us for the notch but I am convinced the notch was there first.

Biggest Mouth Since Bobby the Brain Henan?
Cody had perhaps the most vulgar mouth a little kid has ever had. When he was very young he was playing with some toys in the drive way. My dad pulled in from work and stepped out of his car rolling his ankle on one of Cody's toys. My dad obviously mad yelled at Cody to "Pick his toys up", Cody stood right up and looked at my dad and said "You dont tell me what to do you bastard". My dad so pissed and shocked walked right past Cody and inside to yell at my mom saying "He learns that shit from you". I think that was the last time my dad tried to tell Cody what to do.

Before the Holy Trinity

Back when it was just me and Ryan, we still managed to get in our fair share of trouble. Ryan by no means was a helpless Space Chimp, he had plenty of his own ideas.

Holy Boobs
One of the first times Ryan really expressed himself we were in the car when a good looking young lady went jogging by. Ryan pulling himself up in his car seat to whip his head around shouted "Whoa, Dad did you see that?" "Yup" replied my dad. "He doesn't need any help" my mom let Ryan know.

Whats Your Problem?
Ryan always had a pretty deep voice when we were younger, part of it was probably that we all have naturally deep voices but also the fact that Ryan used to think he was a dog probably made it a little deeper. Once again, in a store, Ryan was shouting about something when an older lady came around the corner and said "Ohh my what deep voice you have". Ryan being a typical Randolph kid fired back with "Whats your problem old lady?"

Its not the size of the bark in the dog but the way your little brother bites your dog
Our first family pet was a Cockerspaniel named Queenie. She was probably the most well behaved dog anyone could ever ask for. Ryan used to have the annoying habit of laying on her back poking at her eyes and pulling her ears. Queenie was normally pretty fine with this but one day she had finally had enough. She let out the smallest growl at Ryan. Ryan thinking he was a dog himself wasn't about to take this bull shit. He turned around and bit Queenie on the butt. She let out a yelp and my mom came running around the corner to find Ryan with a mouth full of fur and Queenie running off. "What happened?" my mom asked, "I bit her" Ryan said spitting fur out of his mouth.

Johnny Jump Up and Ryan Bounce A lot

So Ryan's favorite toy when he was young was his Johnny Jump Up. Ryan would bounce in this thing all day, and this was the first time I tried to launch Space Chimp into orbit. I figured out that the Johnny Jump Up was essentially a sling shot. When Ryan was jumping around and I had a window I would grab Ryan by the feet pulling back until the elastics were stretched tight and then I would send him flying. If it was for the ceiling I probably could have gotten him into space.

Ryan also had the habit and sitting in the back of vehicles and rocking back and forth so hard that you could actually feel the car move back and forth when you were stopped. He would do it for hours at a time. To this day Ryan still does this slightly but he does have a killer set of abs, probably due to his obsessive rocking.

First Brother/Punching Bag/Accompliace

I just turned 3 years old and was just given my first punching bag...I mean brother, same difference.

You know how some plants break off spores and those spores turn into other plants? So basically they are twins but one is older and sort of parentish. Well luckily for me my brothers are pretty much just like that, minus of course the incestial overtones.

So... Ryan was born, I was not one of those jealous older brothers I saw the benefits of having a space chimp to test some ideas on.

Smart Ass Anwers from a Smart Ass Child

As I established in my last post I was a bit of a smart ass. As I was starting to toilet train my mother heard me yell from inside the bathroom "MOM, I have groceries in my underwear!" As she came into the bathroom expecting to see tightie whities full of my last three meals what she saw was me pointing emphatically to the Fruit of the Loom tag in my underwear (looks like groceries doesn't it?)

This was probably the last innocent thing I did in my childhood.

Bus Driving
Just as my dad was coming home from a hard days work and my mother had just finished cleaning her room and shutting the bedroom windows I decided to get the pot out and stir some shit up. I ran up to my dad just as he came inside and told him that some guy just jumped out the window. My dad super pissed ran outside just in time to see my mom shutting the bedroom windows, he walked around the house but could not find anybody (because no one was ever there). My dad spent the rest of the day pissed at mom until I was finally put into bed. Shaking his leg in rage my mom asked him what was wrong. He asked "who was he?" Confused my mom answered "what?" My dad responded with "Ray told me he just left when I was getting home from work, out the window?" Well somehow they sorted it out found out I was a little shit stirrer, nobody was divorced but this would not be the last time I tried to throw my mom under the bus.

It takes a thief
At the age of 2 my mom for whatever reason had been stuck with me and my older cousins for the day. At the grocery store she decided candy should shut us all up for a while; which was one of her go to parenting moves. Well apparently she bought candy for everyone else but forgot about little Ray. Luckily I was short enough to sneak right under the cashiers line of sight. Since she did not buy anything for me I decided to help myself to a delicious treat. When we got in the car my mom realized she had not bought me the delicious treat I was enjoying and asked where I got it. "I took it I told her". Deciding it was better to flee the scene of the crime rather than bring us all back in we took off and I had made everyone in that car an accessory to my first ever crime.

Back under the bus
Around this time I was around 2.5 and my mom had just found out she was pregnant with what would become my first little brother. My mom decided to tell me this one day at my Aunt's. She sat me on her knee, in front of a large portion of my family and said "Ray mom is pregnant". I asked "What does he look like?" She said "I don't know, it could be a little a girl or a little boy". I grabbed her by the face and forcefully said "NO, the guy who got you pregnant, what does he look like?" The rest of the family found this hilarious and once again my great sense of timing had my mom look like a total asshole.
PS
All of my brothers actually do have the same parents, if you ever see us you can tell.

Encouraging the well deserved beatings
So around this time I am really coming into my own as a total smart ass, and by now my mom is pregnant and very hormonal. I soon realized it was very easy to get under her skin. One day I went into my room and put on every pair of underwear that I owned and set out with the specific intentions of pissing my mom off. I apparently got on her nerves very quickly and she soon managed to catch me and start spanking me. As she spanked I laughed harder and harder, realizing I was wearing about 10 layers of underwear she started ripping them off and continuing to spank for everything she was worth.

I am not sure it if was the endorphins released from laughing, the emerging of my hockey player butt, or the fact that her arm was getting tired from the relentless spanking and pealing away layers of underwear but apparently I laughed all the way through my would be beating. And this was the beginning of the end for spankings controlling me or my brothers.

Like most kids I realized at a pretty early age that parents are not free to hit you in public. I took complete advantage of this on several shopping trips. On one shopping trip with my mom and her mother. I stopped us in front of a tv playing a hockey game. "Hockey" I said pointing at it. So we stopped for a minute and my grandmother said "I didn't even know he knew what hockey was". I followed this with a "Shut up and let me watch the game".

I was not done on this particular shopping trip. As I already mentioned my mom was pregnant and as we all know pregnant woman beyond being hormonal are gassy. As we stood in the cash out line, my mom tried to squeeze out a fart that she was lucky enough to make silent. The silent fart however could not slide by me. "Ohh my god mom you farted", I shouted disgusted. "It smells so bad I am going to throw up" I proclaimed. My mom super embarrassed leaned over and said "Ray stop it, I am going to beat you". I stood up in the shopping cart and shouted "BEAT ME MOM, BEAT ME, go ahead you said you were going to beat me". Embarrassed and probably on the edge of being investigated for child abuse my grandmother took me to the car while my mom stayed in the check out line.

Freddy
While my mom was Pregnant for my middle brother Ryan she had decided to she wanted to Watch Nightmare on Elm Street. Since it was showing late her plan was to put me to bed and watch her movie. After several minutes of fighting with me to get into bed she finally gave up and figured I would watch the movie for a bit, get scared and decide to go bed. To her surprise I sat through the entire movie and never complained about a bad dream. This would be the beginning of my fascination with horror movies and not the last time a horror would play a role in one of my stories.

The Start

Randolph, ME. A small town located in central Maine it is roughly 2.1 square miles bookended by ice cream shoppes. If you are the type who really needs more information see the wikipedia link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randolph,_ME).

Randolph is where I was born and raised. My mother was also born and raised there which makes for the first odd story of my yet to start to life. My father a few years out of Vietnam decided to purchase a fairly large apartment building in Randolph. My mother who was 8 years younger then my father was still in school 12 or 13 I believe. My father used to yell at her for walking on his rock wall on her way home from school, she used to flip him off. The relationship would start exactly how it has carried on for my entire life.

My mom was a pretty typically Randolph child. In Randolph at the first signal that something is wrong a young child's reaction is as follows, flip it off, swear at it, try to fight it. Adults in Randolph typically follow the same chain of reactions.

Well now that you have some background into my future surroundings please allow myself to introduce...myself. I was born 6 weeks early, and that would be the only time I was early for anything. Being born that early apparently leads to some issues and my mother and I both spent a fair amount of time in the hospital recovering. My dad who was a janitor at the VA center was making the hour long trip to Portland daily to visit us in the hospital. There was no way my father could afford to pay my hospital bill on his janitor salary but was able to work out a payment plan that would still probably have him paying long after the end of the world (2012, google it). So one day he shows up to make a payment and they tell him it had been taken care of. Apparently a wealthy individual would show up to the hospital ask too see some of the larger and bills and randomly pay some of them off. And this was the end of financial luck. If you are by any chance the person who paid this bill I would like to thank you....and ask if you are interested in some business ventures?

So finally after spending the first month of my life in the hospital I was taken home, to the place where all of the wildest dreams of the most hyperactive, sarcastic, sadistic, vulgar child could come true.

From the very beginning I was what some would refer to as a smart ass. Giving me the answer "Because I said so" would always lead to a volley of increasingly aggravating follow up questions designed to enrage and make those answering my questions look stupider and stupider. I also had a sense of timing that would allow me to make even the most innocent bystanders look like total assholes.

***Some of the names in this blog have been changed to protect the crazy***