As I established in my last post I was a bit of a smart ass. As I was starting to toilet train my mother heard me yell from inside the bathroom "MOM, I have groceries in my underwear!" As she came into the bathroom expecting to see tightie whities full of my last three meals what she saw was me pointing emphatically to the Fruit of the Loom tag in my underwear (looks like groceries doesn't it?)
This was probably the last innocent thing I did in my childhood.
Bus Driving
Just as my dad was coming home from a hard days work and my mother had just finished cleaning her room and shutting the bedroom windows I decided to get the pot out and stir some shit up. I ran up to my dad just as he came inside and told him that some guy just jumped out the window. My dad super pissed ran outside just in time to see my mom shutting the bedroom windows, he walked around the house but could not find anybody (because no one was ever there). My dad spent the rest of the day pissed at mom until I was finally put into bed. Shaking his leg in rage my mom asked him what was wrong. He asked "who was he?" Confused my mom answered "what?" My dad responded with "Ray told me he just left when I was getting home from work, out the window?" Well somehow they sorted it out found out I was a little shit stirrer, nobody was divorced but this would not be the last time I tried to throw my mom under the bus.
It takes a thief
At the age of 2 my mom for whatever reason had been stuck with me and my older cousins for the day. At the grocery store she decided candy should shut us all up for a while; which was one of her go to parenting moves. Well apparently she bought candy for everyone else but forgot about little Ray. Luckily I was short enough to sneak right under the cashiers line of sight. Since she did not buy anything for me I decided to help myself to a delicious treat. When we got in the car my mom realized she had not bought me the delicious treat I was enjoying and asked where I got it. "I took it I told her". Deciding it was better to flee the scene of the crime rather than bring us all back in we took off and I had made everyone in that car an accessory to my first ever crime.
Back under the bus
Around this time I was around 2.5 and my mom had just found out she was pregnant with what would become my first little brother. My mom decided to tell me this one day at my Aunt's. She sat me on her knee, in front of a large portion of my family and said "Ray mom is pregnant". I asked "What does he look like?" She said "I don't know, it could be a little a girl or a little boy". I grabbed her by the face and forcefully said "NO, the guy who got you pregnant, what does he look like?" The rest of the family found this hilarious and once again my great sense of timing had my mom look like a total asshole.
PS
All of my brothers actually do have the same parents, if you ever see us you can tell.
Encouraging the well deserved beatings
So around this time I am really coming into my own as a total smart ass, and by now my mom is pregnant and very hormonal. I soon realized it was very easy to get under her skin. One day I went into my room and put on every pair of underwear that I owned and set out with the specific intentions of pissing my mom off. I apparently got on her nerves very quickly and she soon managed to catch me and start spanking me. As she spanked I laughed harder and harder, realizing I was wearing about 10 layers of underwear she started ripping them off and continuing to spank for everything she was worth.
I am not sure it if was the endorphins released from laughing, the emerging of my hockey player butt, or the fact that her arm was getting tired from the relentless spanking and pealing away layers of underwear but apparently I laughed all the way through my would be beating. And this was the beginning of the end for spankings controlling me or my brothers.
Like most kids I realized at a pretty early age that parents are not free to hit you in public. I took complete advantage of this on several shopping trips. On one shopping trip with my mom and her mother. I stopped us in front of a tv playing a hockey game. "Hockey" I said pointing at it. So we stopped for a minute and my grandmother said "I didn't even know he knew what hockey was". I followed this with a "Shut up and let me watch the game".
I was not done on this particular shopping trip. As I already mentioned my mom was pregnant and as we all know pregnant woman beyond being hormonal are gassy. As we stood in the cash out line, my mom tried to squeeze out a fart that she was lucky enough to make silent. The silent fart however could not slide by me. "Ohh my god mom you farted", I shouted disgusted. "It smells so bad I am going to throw up" I proclaimed. My mom super embarrassed leaned over and said "Ray stop it, I am going to beat you". I stood up in the shopping cart and shouted "BEAT ME MOM, BEAT ME, go ahead you said you were going to beat me". Embarrassed and probably on the edge of being investigated for child abuse my grandmother took me to the car while my mom stayed in the check out line.
Freddy
While my mom was Pregnant for my middle brother Ryan she had decided to she wanted to Watch Nightmare on Elm Street. Since it was showing late her plan was to put me to bed and watch her movie. After several minutes of fighting with me to get into bed she finally gave up and figured I would watch the movie for a bit, get scared and decide to go bed. To her surprise I sat through the entire movie and never complained about a bad dream. This would be the beginning of my fascination with horror movies and not the last time a horror would play a role in one of my stories.
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