Welcome to Randolph Please leave your Jacket with the Very Long Arms under the bridge

If there was one natural resource Randolph had an abundance of it was crazy people. Even though there is a mental health institute just up the river I never saw the ferry bringing them down the river so I don't know how they all got here. Despite how they arrived they were the main source of entertainment for most Randolph children.

Irving
Irving was by far my favorite crazy person. You need to remember that most of my stories are taking place in the early 90's, MC Hammer was still too legit too quit, zip strips were the shit, people were happy, cars door had to be manually locked, and Irving was taking full advantage.

Irving was always going somewhere, did it matter where he was going...no, how was he getting there....your car. If you didn't come out of your house to find Irving sitting car asking you to take him over there (he was pointing). You could find him wandering around traffic checking for unlocked doors and asking "can I have a ride?" To see the faces on the unsuspecting victims as Irving climbed in their backseat and said "hey take me over there" was priceless. Luckily for me I lived right by the bridge so I could sit on the lawn and watch.

Often times we would come outside to play finding Irving sitting in our car. This is terrifying the first few times but after a while it became routine. Sometimes we were just going outside to play and Irving would be sitting in our car for hours, when we were done playing we would go inside and tell my mom that Irving was in the car. She would go out and ask Irving where he needed to go. He would say "Over there and point up the street". My mom would drive literally 100 yards away and Irving would get out and say thanks, only to jump into the next car and have that car drive him back towards my house. As I mentioned Randolph is only a couple of miles big but Irving would spend hours and hours riding in strangers cars but never leaving Randolph.

The best part about Irving was how completely harmless he was but how scary his actions were to the passerbyer.

Scary Terry
Terry was an old lady who liked one person and one person only.....my dad. For some reason Terry had the biggest crush on my dad. To imagine Terry picture the craziest old lady you know, now add a dog in a shopping cart, 100 pounds, and subtract a few teeth. Now have her middle finger constantly pointed at some little kids and you have Terry.

Terry was well known for a couple of things, yelling, swearing, and growling at cars. As I said I lived right by the bridge so my brothers and I had front row seats for most of the Shenanigans. The bridge is a fairly popular bridge, in the summertime traffic was often backed up for hours, which made for plenty of rides for Irving and plenty of cars for Terry to growl at.

As we sat on the front lawn waiting to watch Terry growl and swear at cars she would often call us "You stupid little fucking shitheads", we would laugh and then my dad would turn up the street and Terry would growl at his car. As my dad would get out of his car Terry would stop swearing at us, growling at cars, and seductively say "Heeyyyyy" to my dad batting her eyelashes and licking her lips. She would watch my dad walk inside and when he was out of site she would go right back to swearing.

Terry would often stand in the middle of the road shouting and hitting cars. Those native to Randolph would just yell out their windows "Get out of the road Terry" and drive around her. Those not from Randolph, well it was just fun to watch them panic.

Monkey
I don't know if Monkey was just another crazy person or if the story was actually true. The story was that Monkey was permanently on a bad acid trip.

Here is a picture of what Monkey looked like...only he looked way crazier and had longer hair.

The game Randolph kids played with Monkey dated back to when my mom was a kid. After you laced your sneakers up tight and when you thought you had enough of a head start you would yell "Hey Monkey". Monkey would then turn around and sprint at you as hard as he could, you better already be running and have a route planned because that guy never got winded. I don't think he ever caught any kids and I would hate to think what would happen if he did.

The only reason he was called Monkey was because his eyes bulged out.....apparently like a Monkey, I didn't start the game I just played it.

Box Lady
Box Lady didn't do to much but she was pretty noticeable. She was probably over 6 and a half feet tall and she used to walk around town with a giant wooden box over her head. Someone found out she wore the box on her head to keep the aliens out.....no one messed with her.


Moon Boots

Moon Boots was another old man who people did not really mess with you just knew who he was. Moon Boots used to walk everywhere, you would see him in places that it was hard to imagine walking there in one day. He always had these giant black boots on, even in the middle of the summer. Hence, Moon Boots.

Bicycle Ted
Bicycle Ted was a total dick and probably the most hated of all the crazies. He was called Bicycle Ted because he was always riding his bike. Ted was a really skinny guy and his bike was a little too flashy. He rode around on one of those old school red bikes with a huge windscreen. Imagine this bike with this front fairing but in all read with the radio blasting....







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We weren't always mean to Ted as my brothers and I were actually some of the better behaved kids in Randolph. It wasn't until we have a reason to hate to Ted that we actually encouraged some of the antics.


We were all in the van coming home from the grocery store and we were stopped at a stop sign. I was sitting in the front seat so I had a great view. We were stopped waiting and watching Ted driving his bike directly at us with his head turned the other way waving at someone. My mom yelled out the window "Pay attention Ted" and we all watched as he never turned around and drove straight into our van.


He left a huge dent in our van as he came rolling up the hood and smashed against our windshield. He laid on the ground and rolled around until the police got there. We had to pay for for his bike, hospital bills, and stupid fairing. We had to pay because he did not have insurance, we later found out that he does this quite often and we were not the first or the last.

Some of the neighborhood kids who already hated Ted would yell "Hey Ted!" as he rode by "Think fast" and humchuck footballs at him, if you could knock him off his bike everyone would high five you.


Another classic move was to steal his bike and ghost ride it into the main road. I never took part in these activities but I am not going to lie, I did enjoy watching them.