The Start

Randolph, ME. A small town located in central Maine it is roughly 2.1 square miles bookended by ice cream shoppes. If you are the type who really needs more information see the wikipedia link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randolph,_ME).

Randolph is where I was born and raised. My mother was also born and raised there which makes for the first odd story of my yet to start to life. My father a few years out of Vietnam decided to purchase a fairly large apartment building in Randolph. My mother who was 8 years younger then my father was still in school 12 or 13 I believe. My father used to yell at her for walking on his rock wall on her way home from school, she used to flip him off. The relationship would start exactly how it has carried on for my entire life.

My mom was a pretty typically Randolph child. In Randolph at the first signal that something is wrong a young child's reaction is as follows, flip it off, swear at it, try to fight it. Adults in Randolph typically follow the same chain of reactions.

Well now that you have some background into my future surroundings please allow myself to introduce...myself. I was born 6 weeks early, and that would be the only time I was early for anything. Being born that early apparently leads to some issues and my mother and I both spent a fair amount of time in the hospital recovering. My dad who was a janitor at the VA center was making the hour long trip to Portland daily to visit us in the hospital. There was no way my father could afford to pay my hospital bill on his janitor salary but was able to work out a payment plan that would still probably have him paying long after the end of the world (2012, google it). So one day he shows up to make a payment and they tell him it had been taken care of. Apparently a wealthy individual would show up to the hospital ask too see some of the larger and bills and randomly pay some of them off. And this was the end of financial luck. If you are by any chance the person who paid this bill I would like to thank you....and ask if you are interested in some business ventures?

So finally after spending the first month of my life in the hospital I was taken home, to the place where all of the wildest dreams of the most hyperactive, sarcastic, sadistic, vulgar child could come true.

From the very beginning I was what some would refer to as a smart ass. Giving me the answer "Because I said so" would always lead to a volley of increasingly aggravating follow up questions designed to enrage and make those answering my questions look stupider and stupider. I also had a sense of timing that would allow me to make even the most innocent bystanders look like total assholes.

***Some of the names in this blog have been changed to protect the crazy***